As I approach the end of my third week as a working mom, I can't really say it's gotten any easier. Sure we have established a routine now, and I am getting used to the craziness of teaching all day and coming home to play mom all evening, but being away from my baby boy all day will never be easy. I know he is well cared for all day, and he is always all smiles when I pick him up, but I can't help that nagging feeling that I am supposed to be the one loving on him all day. I feel like I am missing so much. I love teaching, and it will always be my passion, but it will never compare to being Luca's momma. And I feel like I can't be the teacher I want to be while being the best mom I can be. I can teach for the rest of my life, and I will probably always be involved in education in one way or another, but my baby is only going to be a baby for so long. Even though there are moments I wish I could press fast forward (like to a time when I no longer have to haul a breast pump around all day and spend every spare moment pumping), I know that these moments are so fleeting, and I want to cherish every gummy grin.
Then there's the teacher heart in me that is breaking with my class this year. I have 36 students total that I see each day. 36 little lives that I am responsible for teaching, loving, and molding. 36 children with needs far beyond what I can ever meet. Even if I wasn't a busy mom, this would be a very challenging year. Every single child in my class this year has so many needs. Emotional, academic, social. It devastates me that I cannot do it all. I can't be everything to everyone, and let's be honest I am giving the best of me to my own child and my own family. And that's what I need to do. But that doesn't change my deep desire to meet each and every child's needs that I come in contact with every day. How can you look at an innocent child that for whatever reason is not having certain needs met and just wash your hands clean of them? I can't. And I don't like feeling defeated. I don't like to just give up. But I have come to the conclusion that I cannot parent every one of my students, and so I may just have to be unpopular with some of the parents this year when I demand that they step up to the plate.
I have been doing some serious soul searching in these last few weeks, and let's just say I have a lot to think about in the months ahead.
