It Won't Be Like This For Long

I have been struggling with blogging lately. Things are busy, as always, but life seems a little more relaxed these days. We are getting into a groove with this family of 4 thing. My hands are full most days, but so is my heart. We are blessed. Really, really blessed. I guess I feel like I haven't had anything to share, which isn't exactly true, but I guess I feel like our day to day life hasn't been worth blogging about. And now I feel wrong to say that. It's the daily life that I want to remember one day when I read back through this blog. All the challenges, and of course sweet moments, of parenting littles. I want to remember the exhaustion, the frustrations, the milestones, the challenges, the proud moments, and the moments where I just feel like I couldn't possibly love our children anymore. The funny things Luca says and does. Mila's cute little personality starting to develop. And me. On this continual journey of finding myself...or creating myself. Through these different stages of life I change. My desires change. My hopes and dreams change. I am 32. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a teacher. I am a child of God. And I am still me. And I am still figuring that out, which I am kind of excited about now. When you give your body up (literally) for 9 months of pregnancy, and then continue to do so for another year or more of nursing a baby...you kind of forget about you. While I am still in the thick of it, I can see me coming back a little. I love being a mom. I love nursing. I won't say I loved being pregnant but there was something to be said about the experience of carrying and then nursing my two beautiful children and I am extremely grateful that I was able to do so. I know many are not afforded that opportunity. I love my life right now. My days are hectic and exhausting but full of happiness. I wake up early, sometimes to Mila's cries (usually much earlier than I care to be awake) and sometimes to my alarm. And I will hit snooze. Again and again. I get myself ready for work, usually in the midst of getting vanilla milk for Luca, finding a cartoon, and keeping Mila entertained. I pump another bottle because I didn't pump enough at work the day before. I scramble around for kid clothes, lunches, shoes, and anything else I forgot to do the night before. I bribe Luca to get dressed for school, nurse and change Mila. I rush around frantically while always making sure I have enough time to make my iced coffee. This is crucial. Then it's off to school for me. When I arrive I greet my "big" kids. The ones that I call my kids even though they don't live with me. Only teachers will understand what it's like to feel like mom to strangers' kids. Sometimes I literally feel like I am mom to hundreds of children. Tying shoes, opening milks, offering hugs, drying tears, encouraging, listening, teaching...all day. Every day. Then my own children...the two that do live with me. And they all need me more than I could ever know. All day. All the time. And I love being there when they need me. All of them. I love teaching. In the good moments, the bad moments, the kids are driving me crazy is it a full moon?? moments, the hard moments, the real moments, the proud moments, and the heartbreaking moments. And I love being a mom for all the same reasons. After a full day of teaching. Running. I get to pick up my own kids. I try to enjoy some "me" time on my drive to get them. It's one last quiet moment before I jump into mom mode. They are excited to see me, and I feel at home when I see their smiling faces. All is right in my world. We go home and we are tired after full days. But we share our days and we try to share some moments of just being with each other. Then it's time to make dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner. A little more time of books, snuggles, games, walks, time together. Then it's time for bed for the littles. Once little eyes are closed I am off to the race again. Prepping for the next day. Lunches, bags, bottles, clothes, school papers. I might get a moment of time to sit and relax...maybe I work out. I should work out. Then it's time for bed. I may or may not sleep depending on how many times Mila needs mommy through the night. It's still rough. This sleep deprivation thing. But this too shall pass. It won't be like this for long I tell myself. By His grace (and lots and lots of coffee) I do this day in and day out. And I love it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I know one day it will all be different. It won't be so hectic. So exhausting. I will sleep again like a normal human. I will have quiet moments to myself. And then it will be too quiet. And I will miss this.

May Musings

Wow, I was going about my morning mommy duties of getting Luca ready for daycare this morning when it occurred to me that today was the first day of May. I would say that it snuck up on me, but I have been counting down the minutes until the end of the school year since...oh...November 1st when I went back to work after maternity leave. May is a magical month. It's probably one of the most busy and hectic months of the school year, but summer is so close you can almost taste it. There is just something about knowing that you are in the final month of the school year that puts a spring in your step. The end is in sight, and a much needed vacation awaits. I am going to be honest here, this school year was probably my most challenging in my 6 years of teaching. I think it has even come close to topping the year I taught 5th grade, which is saying a lot. It's taken some time to get into the groove of being a working mommy. Starting the school year with my kiddos in November was NOT easy, especially since we had gone from a full day kindergarten program to a half day. NIGHTMARE. It was also hard being away from Luca all day, and really just the logistics of functioning as a teacher on very little sleep thanks to my most favorite little guy keeping me up all night many, many nights. That's no easy feat for any teacher, and with the class I had this year it was down right exhausting. I felt like I was going about my days in a fog most of the time. The house was always a wreck, sometimes we would eat a decent dinner, and forget about relaxing. Add several pumping sessions throughout the day (including two at work) and I am surprised I have survived the last 6 months at all. It hasn't been an easy road, and I will be the first to admit that the stress got the best of me many, many times. Too many. I allowed it to take over way too often, and I saw myself becoming a person I didn't want to be. Grouchy, bitter, short-tempered. Once again I felt God calling me to take a leap of faith. I just knew that it was time to move on from the school I have called home for the past 5 years. I knew that it was not a good situation for me, and it was not allowing me to be the mommy and wife I want to be. Despite my common sense telling me it was too much of a risk to resign without another job lined up, I turned in my letter of resignation in March. I had to trust God once again. I had to free myself up so that He could reveal Himself to me once again. Let me tell you, GOD IS GOOD! Now when you are waiting for God to show up in a big way, it's not always easy. In fact, it's scary. At least for me. I struggle with faith sometimes. I guess this is why he is always testing me and urging me to let go and let Him. I know He is growing my faith every day. Well, He did show up in a big way, and I am so thankful for His mercies. I was offered (and of course accepted!) a first grade teaching position in Litchfield Park. I fell in love with the principal, school, and teachers right away. It just felt right, and I breathed such a sigh of relief when I got the offer. I knew it was the perfect fit for me, and I knew that God had my best interest in mind when he nudged me to take that change and put myself out there. I feel a new energy and excitement for life, and I can't wait to see what this change does for me and for our family.

7 Months and So Many Changes

Wow. On Sunday our precious little baby turned 7 months old. Not only that, but in a matter of days he became an expert at sitting (no more toppling over), learned how to wave hi, and started army crawling forward and backward. I think it's time to finish the baby-proofing. I cannot believe how fast he is growing. My heart melts when I see pictures of him as a newborn. It seems like I blinked and that tiny baby doubled in size. Life has changed so much since he arrived, and even though balancing the demands of motherhood and a full time job is exhausting, I would do it over and over again. Luca has filled our lives with so much joy. He is such an incredible blessing.
While Luca is busy reaching milestones and changing every day, I am dealing with changes of my own. I have been praying for a long time for God to provide a way for me to stay at home with Luca. It makes me sick knowing that half of my paycheck goes to childcare and that I could be spending my days with him instead of other people's children. I struggle with this every.single.day. While I love teaching, I don't want to look back and regret the time I have missed with him. I am thankful that I am in a career that gives me 3 months off every year, but it's still not enough. So, as contract time approaches I am spending a lot of time praying for God to guide my decision and give me peace about it. I don't know what the future holds, and I am trying to remind myself daily that He is faithful. That He knows our deepest desires and has our best in mind. I am feeling called to take yet another leap of faith in life, and just like the last one, I am sure it won't be without struggles, but I know that He will provide. He is good. He is faithful. I am reminded of that every day when I look into the eyes of my precious rainbow baby (a rainbow baby refers to a baby born after a loss).

The Life of a Working Mom

As I approach the end of my third week as a working mom, I can't really say it's gotten any easier. Sure we have established a routine now, and I am getting used to the craziness of teaching all day and coming home to play mom all evening, but being away from my baby boy all day will never be easy. I know he is well cared for all day, and he is always all smiles when I pick him up, but I can't help that nagging feeling that I am supposed to be the one loving on him all day. I feel like I am missing so much. I love teaching, and it will always be my passion, but it will never compare to being Luca's momma. And I feel like I can't be the teacher I want to be while being the best mom I can be. I can teach for the rest of my life, and I will probably always be involved in education in one way or another, but my baby is only going to be a baby for so long. Even though there are moments I wish I could press fast forward (like to a time when I no longer have to haul a breast pump around all day and spend every spare moment pumping), I know that these moments are so fleeting, and I want to cherish every gummy grin.
Then there's the teacher heart in me that is breaking with my class this year. I have 36 students total that I see each day. 36 little lives that I am responsible for teaching, loving, and molding. 36 children with needs far beyond what I can ever meet. Even if I wasn't a busy mom, this would be a very challenging year. Every single child in my class this year has so many needs. Emotional, academic, social. It devastates me that I cannot do it all. I can't be everything to everyone, and let's be honest I am giving the best of me to my own child and my own family. And that's what I need to do. But that doesn't change my deep desire to meet each and every child's needs that I come in contact with every day. How can you look at an innocent child that for whatever reason is not having certain needs met and just wash your hands clean of them? I can't. And I don't like feeling defeated. I don't like to just give up. But I have come to the conclusion that I cannot parent every one of my students, and so I may just have to be unpopular with some of the parents this year when I demand that they step up to the plate.
I have been doing some serious soul searching in these last few weeks, and let's just say I have a lot to think about in the months ahead.