May Musings

Wow, I was going about my morning mommy duties of getting Luca ready for daycare this morning when it occurred to me that today was the first day of May. I would say that it snuck up on me, but I have been counting down the minutes until the end of the school year since...oh...November 1st when I went back to work after maternity leave. May is a magical month. It's probably one of the most busy and hectic months of the school year, but summer is so close you can almost taste it. There is just something about knowing that you are in the final month of the school year that puts a spring in your step. The end is in sight, and a much needed vacation awaits. I am going to be honest here, this school year was probably my most challenging in my 6 years of teaching. I think it has even come close to topping the year I taught 5th grade, which is saying a lot. It's taken some time to get into the groove of being a working mommy. Starting the school year with my kiddos in November was NOT easy, especially since we had gone from a full day kindergarten program to a half day. NIGHTMARE. It was also hard being away from Luca all day, and really just the logistics of functioning as a teacher on very little sleep thanks to my most favorite little guy keeping me up all night many, many nights. That's no easy feat for any teacher, and with the class I had this year it was down right exhausting. I felt like I was going about my days in a fog most of the time. The house was always a wreck, sometimes we would eat a decent dinner, and forget about relaxing. Add several pumping sessions throughout the day (including two at work) and I am surprised I have survived the last 6 months at all. It hasn't been an easy road, and I will be the first to admit that the stress got the best of me many, many times. Too many. I allowed it to take over way too often, and I saw myself becoming a person I didn't want to be. Grouchy, bitter, short-tempered. Once again I felt God calling me to take a leap of faith. I just knew that it was time to move on from the school I have called home for the past 5 years. I knew that it was not a good situation for me, and it was not allowing me to be the mommy and wife I want to be. Despite my common sense telling me it was too much of a risk to resign without another job lined up, I turned in my letter of resignation in March. I had to trust God once again. I had to free myself up so that He could reveal Himself to me once again. Let me tell you, GOD IS GOOD! Now when you are waiting for God to show up in a big way, it's not always easy. In fact, it's scary. At least for me. I struggle with faith sometimes. I guess this is why he is always testing me and urging me to let go and let Him. I know He is growing my faith every day. Well, He did show up in a big way, and I am so thankful for His mercies. I was offered (and of course accepted!) a first grade teaching position in Litchfield Park. I fell in love with the principal, school, and teachers right away. It just felt right, and I breathed such a sigh of relief when I got the offer. I knew it was the perfect fit for me, and I knew that God had my best interest in mind when he nudged me to take that change and put myself out there. I feel a new energy and excitement for life, and I can't wait to see what this change does for me and for our family.

The Life of a Working Mom

As I approach the end of my third week as a working mom, I can't really say it's gotten any easier. Sure we have established a routine now, and I am getting used to the craziness of teaching all day and coming home to play mom all evening, but being away from my baby boy all day will never be easy. I know he is well cared for all day, and he is always all smiles when I pick him up, but I can't help that nagging feeling that I am supposed to be the one loving on him all day. I feel like I am missing so much. I love teaching, and it will always be my passion, but it will never compare to being Luca's momma. And I feel like I can't be the teacher I want to be while being the best mom I can be. I can teach for the rest of my life, and I will probably always be involved in education in one way or another, but my baby is only going to be a baby for so long. Even though there are moments I wish I could press fast forward (like to a time when I no longer have to haul a breast pump around all day and spend every spare moment pumping), I know that these moments are so fleeting, and I want to cherish every gummy grin.
Then there's the teacher heart in me that is breaking with my class this year. I have 36 students total that I see each day. 36 little lives that I am responsible for teaching, loving, and molding. 36 children with needs far beyond what I can ever meet. Even if I wasn't a busy mom, this would be a very challenging year. Every single child in my class this year has so many needs. Emotional, academic, social. It devastates me that I cannot do it all. I can't be everything to everyone, and let's be honest I am giving the best of me to my own child and my own family. And that's what I need to do. But that doesn't change my deep desire to meet each and every child's needs that I come in contact with every day. How can you look at an innocent child that for whatever reason is not having certain needs met and just wash your hands clean of them? I can't. And I don't like feeling defeated. I don't like to just give up. But I have come to the conclusion that I cannot parent every one of my students, and so I may just have to be unpopular with some of the parents this year when I demand that they step up to the plate.
I have been doing some serious soul searching in these last few weeks, and let's just say I have a lot to think about in the months ahead.

7 More Weeks...

I cannot believe I only have 7 more weeks until I have to go back to work. Although I am absolutely dreading it, I am blessed to have been able to stay home with my little man this long. As much as I hate to leave him anywhere, with anyone, I am thankful that God has provided a caretaker for Luca that I feel comfortable with and that I know will take good care of him and give him lots of love and attention when I can't be there. Since he was born in the middle of summer vacation, I basically got an extra month of maternity leave for "free". He will be 4 months old when I go back to work, and he will only have to be in daycare for a total of 5 months this whole school year, so that's another thing I have to be thankful for, but it's still hard to think about leaving my precious child all day and being away from him. Being a working mom is something I have struggled with for a long time. When Santi and I were first married we agreed that children would wait until we had both finished our education, had established ourselves in our careers, and saved up some money so that I could stay at home. I never wanted to be in a position where my children would have to go to childcare. As much as I love my career, I wanted to spend every second possible with my children. We worked very hard, both of us going to school and working full time. It wasn't easy, but we did it and we sacrificed. We knew it was important for us to be able to support a family. Unfortunately by the time Santi finished his bachelor's and I finished my master's the economy was in shambles. Our mortgage was upside down on our first home (like so many others) and Santi was having a hard time finding a better position. By that time we had been married almost three years, and we were really longing to start our family. We took a leap of faith and hoped that God would provide a way for me to stay home, even though it wasn't possible at the time. After struggling over a year to start our family (also not what we had expected), we welcomed Luca, and I was still holding out hope that somehow I would be able to stay home. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been crunching numbers and cutting back to try to make things work. Now, with my return date looming I know that it is not in God's plans for me to stay home with Luca at this time, and I have to trust His decision. Maybe He wants me back at work because He knows the work that I am doing and the lives I am impacting in my career as a teacher. Or maybe he just wants to test my faith yet again, and in His time the right opportunity will come along for me to stay home. I feel His whisper at times telling me that I will be able to stay home with Luca, and He will provide all we need, but I have to be patient. All I can do for now is trust Him with our finances, remain faithful with the tithe, and pray that he will bless us for our hard work. Sure it's frustrating to know how hard Santi and I both work, and yet we are still unable to afford for me to stay home. It's frustrating knowing that we aren't living lavish lifestyles, and yet the bills are still barely paid each month. It's frustrating knowing that we both went to school for a long time, and borrowed a lot of money, and we may never see a return on our investment. I have to believe that it's all a part of His plan, and honestly we are truly blessed. I know money doesn't buy happiness...but it's hard to say that when money is what would allow me to stay home with my child.

My husband needs a new job because...

...it's not about the money. I miss my husband! This weekend my husband was lucky enough to get both Saturday and Sunday off. This is a rare event. I am usually blessed if I have him home one day of the weekend, let alone two! We didn't plan anything special, but we did manage to accomplish a lot of work around the house that needed to be done, mainly cleaning up the backyard, weeding again, and cleaning the office which was an absolute disaster zone. I would have taken before and after pictures but I was too embarrassed. I can't really take credit, my super amazing husband tackled it by himself while I worked on other housework. Which means, I can check "clean office" off of my 101 in 1,001 list! I can also add that I can update "try 20 new recipes" to "try 17 new recipes". This past week I got motivated to get in the kitchen and try some new things and this is what I came up with:

Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Banana Bread

 We always have bananas that we let get a little too ripe, and I am always making banana bread because Santi loves it. This time I took my mom's basic banana bread recipe and used whole wheat flour and threw in some chocolate chips. It was soooo yummy! I am going to use this version from now on!
Then I tried this:

Minestrone Pasta Salad

If you like minestrone soup, this is basically the pasta salad version. It's also pretty healthy, and I used wheat pasta. Here's the recipe:

3	cups (7 1/2 ounces) uncooked medium pasta shells
2/3	cup Italian dressing
1/2	cup shredded Parmesan cheese
2	medium carrots, sliced (1 cup)
1	medium green bell pepper, chopped (1 cup)
1	can (19 oz) red kidney beans, drained, rinsed
1	can (15 oz) chick peas (garbanzo beans), drained, rinsed
1	can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes with Italian herbs or stewed tomatoes, drained

1.	Cook and drain pasta as directed on package.
2.	Toss pasta and remaining ingredients. Serve warm or cold.

Then I made this:

Black Bean Pasta Cancun

This is like a Mexican pasta dish. I used quinoa pasta in this one (found it at Sprout's). It was pretty yummy. Here's the recipe:

2	cups uncooked radiatore (nugget) pasta (4 oz)
1	can (14.5 oz) Muir Glen® organic fire roasted diced tomatoes with green chilies
1	cup Progresso® black beans (from 15-oz can), drained, rinsed
1/2	teaspoon grated lime peel
1/4	teaspoon ground cumin
1/4	bell pepper, cut into 2x1/4-inch strips
2	tablespoons fat-free sour cream
2	lime wedges
	Cilantro leaves, if desired

1.	Cook and drain pasta as directed on package, omitting salt.
2.	Meanwhile, in 2-quart saucepan, heat tomatoes to boiling. Stir in pasta, beans, lime peel, cumin and bell pepper. Reduce heat to low; cover and cook 2 to 3 minutes, stirring occasionally, until hot. Garnish with sour cream, lime and cilantro. Squeeze lime over pasta.

I decided I like to take pictures of my new dishes, one because it makes me feel like a real chef (ha ha ha), and two because I feel like I need proof that I can actually cook if I take the time. Anyways, most of the new things I have been trying come from www.eatbetteramerica.com which is a great place to find easy, healthy recipes. I also use the Food Network website when I am feeling adventurous. I love Bobby Flay.
On another note, I survived field day at school yesterday. The kids had a good time, I was a little stressed because I did a lot of the planning and organizing and it included all of first and kinder this year which was a LOT of kids. Here is the evidence that they had fun:

And here is what brought them to that point:

I am going to tear up at graduation this year. I was so blessed with a wonderful class of some really great kids this year. They are really a great group.