7 More Weeks...

I cannot believe I only have 7 more weeks until I have to go back to work. Although I am absolutely dreading it, I am blessed to have been able to stay home with my little man this long. As much as I hate to leave him anywhere, with anyone, I am thankful that God has provided a caretaker for Luca that I feel comfortable with and that I know will take good care of him and give him lots of love and attention when I can't be there. Since he was born in the middle of summer vacation, I basically got an extra month of maternity leave for "free". He will be 4 months old when I go back to work, and he will only have to be in daycare for a total of 5 months this whole school year, so that's another thing I have to be thankful for, but it's still hard to think about leaving my precious child all day and being away from him. Being a working mom is something I have struggled with for a long time. When Santi and I were first married we agreed that children would wait until we had both finished our education, had established ourselves in our careers, and saved up some money so that I could stay at home. I never wanted to be in a position where my children would have to go to childcare. As much as I love my career, I wanted to spend every second possible with my children. We worked very hard, both of us going to school and working full time. It wasn't easy, but we did it and we sacrificed. We knew it was important for us to be able to support a family. Unfortunately by the time Santi finished his bachelor's and I finished my master's the economy was in shambles. Our mortgage was upside down on our first home (like so many others) and Santi was having a hard time finding a better position. By that time we had been married almost three years, and we were really longing to start our family. We took a leap of faith and hoped that God would provide a way for me to stay home, even though it wasn't possible at the time. After struggling over a year to start our family (also not what we had expected), we welcomed Luca, and I was still holding out hope that somehow I would be able to stay home. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been crunching numbers and cutting back to try to make things work. Now, with my return date looming I know that it is not in God's plans for me to stay home with Luca at this time, and I have to trust His decision. Maybe He wants me back at work because He knows the work that I am doing and the lives I am impacting in my career as a teacher. Or maybe he just wants to test my faith yet again, and in His time the right opportunity will come along for me to stay home. I feel His whisper at times telling me that I will be able to stay home with Luca, and He will provide all we need, but I have to be patient. All I can do for now is trust Him with our finances, remain faithful with the tithe, and pray that he will bless us for our hard work. Sure it's frustrating to know how hard Santi and I both work, and yet we are still unable to afford for me to stay home. It's frustrating knowing that we aren't living lavish lifestyles, and yet the bills are still barely paid each month. It's frustrating knowing that we both went to school for a long time, and borrowed a lot of money, and we may never see a return on our investment. I have to believe that it's all a part of His plan, and honestly we are truly blessed. I know money doesn't buy happiness...but it's hard to say that when money is what would allow me to stay home with my child.