As I work through my feelings of grief and loss, I am always looking for words of encouragement.
This poem was really uplifting for me shortly after our first loss, and I am reminded of it again today.
Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart
When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.
This is a difficult journey, and the healing process will take a lifetime. We will always miss our angel babies, and we will always grieve their loss.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Up and Down
Up and down. On a roller-coaster ride I would like to get off. This whole trying to have a baby thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I wish I could go back to being naive. Miscarriage takes that all away. Forever more my experiences with pregnancy will be more fear filled than joy filled. Friday the 13th proved to be all it's cracked up to be. We got another positive test. We were ecstatic. Only to be crushed yet again 5 days later. Another loss. Up...and down. The emotional ride this journey has taken us on is difficult to say the least. The only "positive" thing I can take from this experience is the fact that it has helped me to let go of my constant need to control all aspects of my life. I can't control this. This is truly, 100% in God's hands. I am okay with that, but I would like off of this ride now.
Over the next few weeks I will have testing done to see what is going on with my body. Why we can conceive fairly easily, but can't seem to get past that. I don't know what we will find out, if anything, but I can only hope and pray that it is something that can be corrected quickly and easily. Only time will tell...
In the meantime, I am left battling bitter feelings. I don't want this to make me bitter, I want it to make me better. But that's easier said than done. And no one gets it. No one gets that I don't want to talk about/hear about pregnancy and babies. I am not being ridiculous or selfish. Right now being around all things baby and pregnancy related feels like someone is pouring salt into my open wound. So, when I don't respond joyfully to an invite to a baby shower, or the announcement of another pregnancy, don't judge. I will heal and get past this, but for now these are my feelings and emotions. They are real, and they are justified.
Over the next few weeks I will have testing done to see what is going on with my body. Why we can conceive fairly easily, but can't seem to get past that. I don't know what we will find out, if anything, but I can only hope and pray that it is something that can be corrected quickly and easily. Only time will tell...
In the meantime, I am left battling bitter feelings. I don't want this to make me bitter, I want it to make me better. But that's easier said than done. And no one gets it. No one gets that I don't want to talk about/hear about pregnancy and babies. I am not being ridiculous or selfish. Right now being around all things baby and pregnancy related feels like someone is pouring salt into my open wound. So, when I don't respond joyfully to an invite to a baby shower, or the announcement of another pregnancy, don't judge. I will heal and get past this, but for now these are my feelings and emotions. They are real, and they are justified.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
27...
Yep, that's how old I am now. Forgot to mention in my earlier post that yesterday was my birthday. It was a nice, low-key birthday. I am just thrilled it didn't fall on the first week of school this year. Last year I was so exhausted on my birthday that I came home, took a bubble bath, and went to bed early.
Santi got me a bouquet of roses and took me dinner to Maria Maria La Cantina. I told him I didn't want to do anything big since I had just spent quite a bit of money on my girl's trip to New York. Dinner was fabulous. As a lover of good food, I usually avoid "chain" restaurants. Maria Maria is technically speaking a chain since it has several locations....but it pales in comparison to most chain joints. It is owned by Carlos Santana (love) and run by an executive chef. It is basically an upscale Mexican place. The environment is really great...very chic. They had a live band playing Bob Marley and I enjoyed some amazing steak tacos and of course a margarita. It was a lovely birthday.
Day one of being 27 has almost come to an end, and so far I don't feel much different that I did at 26...that's good right? I'm still young and fun, right? Okay, it's 9 on a Saturday night and I am lounging around in my p.j.'s playing on the computer. Who am I kidding? That's okay, I am kind of a homebody these days. It's nice just to relax in my favorite place. I am hoping that 27 brings many wonderful things my way, and really praying that this is the year I become a mom. I don't want to see my 28th birthday without a baby in tow.
Santi got me a bouquet of roses and took me dinner to Maria Maria La Cantina. I told him I didn't want to do anything big since I had just spent quite a bit of money on my girl's trip to New York. Dinner was fabulous. As a lover of good food, I usually avoid "chain" restaurants. Maria Maria is technically speaking a chain since it has several locations....but it pales in comparison to most chain joints. It is owned by Carlos Santana (love) and run by an executive chef. It is basically an upscale Mexican place. The environment is really great...very chic. They had a live band playing Bob Marley and I enjoyed some amazing steak tacos and of course a margarita. It was a lovely birthday.
Day one of being 27 has almost come to an end, and so far I don't feel much different that I did at 26...that's good right? I'm still young and fun, right? Okay, it's 9 on a Saturday night and I am lounging around in my p.j.'s playing on the computer. Who am I kidding? That's okay, I am kind of a homebody these days. It's nice just to relax in my favorite place. I am hoping that 27 brings many wonderful things my way, and really praying that this is the year I become a mom. I don't want to see my 28th birthday without a baby in tow.
Happy New Year! (and yes, I know it's August)
Wow. On Monday I will begin my fourth school year at Desert Oasis...that's right, I said fourth. That means we have been living in Arizona for three full years. Where has the time gone? I feel like just yesterday we were packing up our cars with wedding gifts and starting the journey to our new adventure out west. This is our home now, it's where we began our lives together as husband and wife. Where I began the career I love. We have had so many wonderful experiences since moving here. I know this is where God wants us. Maybe in the future we will move on to a new adventure in a new place, but for now this feels like home. I will always be a Hoosier, but you can have roots and wings.
There is something very refreshing about starting a new school year. Teachers are lucky. We get to have two "New Years". Two times each year where we get to "start over". When the back to school supplies roll out at Wal-Mart I start to get a little excited about the prospects of yet another year, a new bunch of personalities to get to know. While beginning a new year with a new group of kids is always challenging, there is nothing more rewarding than watching a group of 5 and 6 year olds grow and change and learn. I love it. I love my career. I am so blessed.
I have spent the last few weeks getting my room prepared for my new arrivals. Here is a sneak peek:
Special thank you to my wonderful aunt Julie and my grandma Jo for helping me out with the colorful seat sacks. The kids were so thrilled with all of the bright colors when they entered the room for "Meet the Teacher" night.
There is something very refreshing about starting a new school year. Teachers are lucky. We get to have two "New Years". Two times each year where we get to "start over". When the back to school supplies roll out at Wal-Mart I start to get a little excited about the prospects of yet another year, a new bunch of personalities to get to know. While beginning a new year with a new group of kids is always challenging, there is nothing more rewarding than watching a group of 5 and 6 year olds grow and change and learn. I love it. I love my career. I am so blessed.
I have spent the last few weeks getting my room prepared for my new arrivals. Here is a sneak peek:
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Leap of Faith
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
This blog was intended to be a way to share our journey together as husband and wife with those that love and support us. On the journey of life, there will always be ups and downs, and as husband and wife we have vowed to see one another through those ups and downs. This is one of those times. I am reminded in this moment of weakness of a song sung during the lighting of the unity candle at our wedding, "Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear, I will be here". I know we will pull through this together, and the sun will appear again.
On February 28th, we were pleasantly surprised with a pregnancy that we hadn't really planned for, but were absolutely thrilled about. We went through the whole, "Do we tell people, and when?". While Santi was excited and ready to tell the world, I felt anxious and uncertain. I had this instinct that maybe letting our little secret out wasn't the best idea just yet. We waited. We saw one doctor for the basic blood work. All was well, but we decided we weren't fond of that doctor and wanted to switch. We had an appointment with the new doctor during my 10th week. It was the earliest we could get in. On that day, we had planned to let our secret out after the doctor's appointment. I had felt it would be okay then.
During that appointment, we discovered two things about our surprise pregnancy:
1) It was twins
2) It was not a viable pregnancy, both twins had stopped developing at around 6 weeks
While we went through a range of emotions after receiving that devastating news, I felt as though I had known all along. It was instinct.
It didn't matter that we hadn't "planned" that pregnancy, we wanted those babies, they were our babies, and we were lost without them. I was instantly taken back to December, when we had taken a "leap of faith".
In December, we had the big "baby talk". While Santi was more than ready, I was hesitant. I wanted more money in savings, a better job for Santi, I wanted to be finished with my master's degree...the list goes on an on. But I felt God calling me to take a "leap of faith" and trust that He would provide for us and for a child if we would only trust Him with the timing of children. So, I agreed that we could "let things happen", but we weren't going to try to make anything happen. It was up to God.
Well, I took that leap of faith and it took me down a path I could have never imagined. All that worry about how we were going to afford a baby, daycare, finishing my master's, etc. disappeared. Instead, it was replaced with heartache and longing for a baby, and fear that we may never have children. I felt like the whole world was pregnant and everywhere I went there were babies. It was a constant reminder of what we had lost. For awhile, and sometimes still, I felt angry with God. It just didn't seem fair. One day towards the end of the school year, one of my kindergarten students came up to me in the morning and told me she had something for me. She of course knew nothing about what I had gone through. She handed me a little stuffed frog that she had obviously found somewhere around her house, and it said "leap of faith" on the front. It was like a reminder from God that He is in control, and that He is going to honor my leap of faith by being faithful in return and blessing us not only with a child, but with the financial peace to comfortably raise that child. I felt relieved. Tevez has since eaten that little stuffed frog (of course), but I will always remember that sign from God.
So here we are, still waiting for another opportunity to be blessed with a child, but not forgetting the angel babies we lost. While I have found a lot of comfort in an online support group for pregnancy loss, as well as through talking with friends and family members who have been through the same thing, it is still a struggle for both of us. Every day we must rely on strength from God and one another to get through this trying time, and I know the sun will shine again.
We debated for a long time about whether or not to share our loss with others. Of course our immediate family knew, and friends from Bible study, as well as colleagues out of necessity, but we weren't quite certain about sharing the loss of a pregnancy with anyone else when we had not even shared our pregnancy news to begin with. To some miscarriage is a taboo subject. It's not something people talk about, despite the fact that many deal with the grief of pregnancy and infant loss. After our loss, so many people I was close to, and even those I didn't know very well, came to me and shared their stories of loss. Although it was disheartening to know so many had suffered the same pain, it was also comforting to know they understood and were there to support us. I hope that maybe sharing our journey can help others better understand where we are coming from.
In my time with my online support group, I found a lot of things that have helped with the healing process, and some of these things explained my feelings better than anything I could have written myself, so I thought I would share them here as well.
The first is a poem that I really liked
Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart
When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.
Some more things you should know about what I am going through:
1) It will take time to move on, it's not going to "all go away" in a few weeks or months
2) A new pregnancy will not help me forget
3) My life will never be the same, even after I have a healthy baby
4) My grieving over a life that was only known to me does not make me weak
5) It is really hard to hear about new pregnancies or healthy births of friends or family members. I usually feel jealous, hurt, and angry. I will tell you congratulations, and I mean it. I am truly happy for you, but I am not delighted to hear it at a time when I am dealing with my own loss. I sometimes avoid situations where I will be around pregnant friends or friends with babies, which is not always easy. This does not make me a bad person. I am human, and I am trying to move past these feelings and emotions with the grace of God. I am being totally honest here.
6) I am not upset that you are pregnant, I am upset that I am not.
7) It doesn't matter how far along I was in my pregnancy, we bonded with the babies from the beginning, and our grief is no less than any other.
I know that now I have gotten all this off my chest, I can move forward with the healing process. For those who love us and actually read our blog, please know that we love you all and your support means so much to us. We are sharing this not in a search for sympathy, but to share a part of our lives that has affected us greatly. We will keep you posted on our journey to becoming parents, and hopefully our second chance will come quickly.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
This blog was intended to be a way to share our journey together as husband and wife with those that love and support us. On the journey of life, there will always be ups and downs, and as husband and wife we have vowed to see one another through those ups and downs. This is one of those times. I am reminded in this moment of weakness of a song sung during the lighting of the unity candle at our wedding, "Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear, I will be here". I know we will pull through this together, and the sun will appear again.
On February 28th, we were pleasantly surprised with a pregnancy that we hadn't really planned for, but were absolutely thrilled about. We went through the whole, "Do we tell people, and when?". While Santi was excited and ready to tell the world, I felt anxious and uncertain. I had this instinct that maybe letting our little secret out wasn't the best idea just yet. We waited. We saw one doctor for the basic blood work. All was well, but we decided we weren't fond of that doctor and wanted to switch. We had an appointment with the new doctor during my 10th week. It was the earliest we could get in. On that day, we had planned to let our secret out after the doctor's appointment. I had felt it would be okay then.
During that appointment, we discovered two things about our surprise pregnancy:
1) It was twins
2) It was not a viable pregnancy, both twins had stopped developing at around 6 weeks
While we went through a range of emotions after receiving that devastating news, I felt as though I had known all along. It was instinct.
It didn't matter that we hadn't "planned" that pregnancy, we wanted those babies, they were our babies, and we were lost without them. I was instantly taken back to December, when we had taken a "leap of faith".
In December, we had the big "baby talk". While Santi was more than ready, I was hesitant. I wanted more money in savings, a better job for Santi, I wanted to be finished with my master's degree...the list goes on an on. But I felt God calling me to take a "leap of faith" and trust that He would provide for us and for a child if we would only trust Him with the timing of children. So, I agreed that we could "let things happen", but we weren't going to try to make anything happen. It was up to God.
Well, I took that leap of faith and it took me down a path I could have never imagined. All that worry about how we were going to afford a baby, daycare, finishing my master's, etc. disappeared. Instead, it was replaced with heartache and longing for a baby, and fear that we may never have children. I felt like the whole world was pregnant and everywhere I went there were babies. It was a constant reminder of what we had lost. For awhile, and sometimes still, I felt angry with God. It just didn't seem fair. One day towards the end of the school year, one of my kindergarten students came up to me in the morning and told me she had something for me. She of course knew nothing about what I had gone through. She handed me a little stuffed frog that she had obviously found somewhere around her house, and it said "leap of faith" on the front. It was like a reminder from God that He is in control, and that He is going to honor my leap of faith by being faithful in return and blessing us not only with a child, but with the financial peace to comfortably raise that child. I felt relieved. Tevez has since eaten that little stuffed frog (of course), but I will always remember that sign from God.
So here we are, still waiting for another opportunity to be blessed with a child, but not forgetting the angel babies we lost. While I have found a lot of comfort in an online support group for pregnancy loss, as well as through talking with friends and family members who have been through the same thing, it is still a struggle for both of us. Every day we must rely on strength from God and one another to get through this trying time, and I know the sun will shine again.
We debated for a long time about whether or not to share our loss with others. Of course our immediate family knew, and friends from Bible study, as well as colleagues out of necessity, but we weren't quite certain about sharing the loss of a pregnancy with anyone else when we had not even shared our pregnancy news to begin with. To some miscarriage is a taboo subject. It's not something people talk about, despite the fact that many deal with the grief of pregnancy and infant loss. After our loss, so many people I was close to, and even those I didn't know very well, came to me and shared their stories of loss. Although it was disheartening to know so many had suffered the same pain, it was also comforting to know they understood and were there to support us. I hope that maybe sharing our journey can help others better understand where we are coming from.
In my time with my online support group, I found a lot of things that have helped with the healing process, and some of these things explained my feelings better than anything I could have written myself, so I thought I would share them here as well.
The first is a poem that I really liked
Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart
When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.
Some more things you should know about what I am going through:
1) It will take time to move on, it's not going to "all go away" in a few weeks or months
2) A new pregnancy will not help me forget
3) My life will never be the same, even after I have a healthy baby
4) My grieving over a life that was only known to me does not make me weak
5) It is really hard to hear about new pregnancies or healthy births of friends or family members. I usually feel jealous, hurt, and angry. I will tell you congratulations, and I mean it. I am truly happy for you, but I am not delighted to hear it at a time when I am dealing with my own loss. I sometimes avoid situations where I will be around pregnant friends or friends with babies, which is not always easy. This does not make me a bad person. I am human, and I am trying to move past these feelings and emotions with the grace of God. I am being totally honest here.
6) I am not upset that you are pregnant, I am upset that I am not.
7) It doesn't matter how far along I was in my pregnancy, we bonded with the babies from the beginning, and our grief is no less than any other.
I know that now I have gotten all this off my chest, I can move forward with the healing process. For those who love us and actually read our blog, please know that we love you all and your support means so much to us. We are sharing this not in a search for sympathy, but to share a part of our lives that has affected us greatly. We will keep you posted on our journey to becoming parents, and hopefully our second chance will come quickly.
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