Happy 1st Birthday Mila Paz!!!

At this time one year ago, Santi and I packed Luca up and sent him to Abuelitos house, then headed to the hospital under a snow advisory...following behind a snow plow as the flakes were coming down. I had worked a full day, my first day back from winter break. I was still one week away from my due date, but I knew that she would come early just like her brother. I was hoping I wouldn't have to return from Christmas break at all, but one day back at school, going up and down all those stairs at Fairview, was just enough to get things going! Labor was much quicker than I anticipated (after laboring over 24 hours with Luca)...and Ms. Mila Paz Sotomayor arrived at 1:06am on 1/6/15. Less than 7 hours after the first contraction. She shared a birthday with one of the delivery nurses. Our little snowflake. We took her home the following day. On one of the coldest days of the year. She fit right into our little family from the very beginning. In many ways, she reminds me of Luca. She is a busy little girl, and doesn't like to stay still. And she can't be bothered with naps or sleeping. She doesn't want to miss a thing. And I guess at night she doesn't want to miss mommy and daddy because she loves to come snuggle in our bed every night. She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it. Usually this involves high pitched screams or incessant pointing. As long as her demands are met, she is happy and easy going. She is sweet as can be. Loves to give kisses and dance. Waves bye bye. I think she says "baby" now, and "ve" (in Spanish). She also says mama and dada. She loves dogs, especially her big fur baby Tevez. She also loves her big brother, but she isn't afraid to let him know when he is in her way or when he has made her mad. She also has a serious side, and getting her to smile for pictures is next to impossible, as evidenced by her one year photo shoot. But I love how it captures her personality oh so perfectly. So thoughtful, observant, and a little skeptical. I still can't believe she is one. What a year it has been. It sounds so cliche, but I can't imagine life without her now. She was the missing piece to our family, and we are looking forward to watching her little personality continue to unfold!

Photos courtesy of Gift of Today Photography, Bloomington, Indiana

2016...Full of Grace

And suddenly a new year is upon us. 2016. This year Mila will turn one. In a matter of fact, in just one more day we will no longer have a "baby". I don't know how that's even possible. She will always be our baby. To say last year went by fast is an understatement. This year Luca will turn 5. And start KINDERGARTEN in the fall. My baby boy...in KINDERGARTEN. I can't even. Santi and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage. When I look ahead to the new year before us, the fresh beginning that January always brings, I don't want to make resolutions. Sure I have goals, hopes, and plans. But this year I want to focus on one word. Grace. Grace for myself, for my family, friends, coworkers, students...strangers. We are all a work in progress. We are all fighting internal battles. Some we share openly and others we don't. We all have feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of self doubt. Fears. In the past I have had a tendency to be hard on myself. And honestly sometimes too hard on those around me. Sometimes I expect too much. The expectations I set for myself sometimes lead to those negative feelings of self doubt and inadequacies. They creep up on me and cause me to miss out on God's best for me. So this week, this first full week of the new year, it wasn't perfect. And that's ok. I didn't start the year with a long list of resolutions to abide by. I didn't set myself up for failure, but I am focusing on one day at a time, and doing the best I can each day for me and for my family. And if I fail, there is always tomorrow. This weekend we celebrated Mila's first birthday. I started back to work today with birthday decorations still up. My house still a mess.  A few stray Christmas things still hanging around. I was battling a cold, and Luca missed his first day back at school. I was a little scattered at work, and completely unprepared to jump back into teaching my groups. Luca was wound up in the evening, and Santi got home late. I was tired and my patience were short. I wasn't perfect. I ate better today than I have in the last month. But I had a pop with dinner and I definitely ate more than I should have. I have yet to start exercising again. Our budget isn't perfect and we have some work to do in the coming months. But His mercies are new every morning. And we will get there. One day at a time. I am going to celebrate the little successes this year. And be kind to myself. More patient. More understanding. And I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to help Mila learn to sleep on her own so I can ultimately sleep. One night at a time. And tonight was my second successful night of not nursing her to sleep at bedtime. I am sure I will have setbacks with this just like anything else, but it's not all or nothing. We will get there. One step at a time. This is our year.

Dear Luca and Mila...

I should be sleeping now, I don't get much of it these days between colds and teething. But I'm happy to get up time and time again, as hard as it may be. As much as it wears me down. I know I'm needed. And I'm thankful to have you both. My reason for everything I do. Sometimes the exhaustion gets the best of me. I'm worn out. I'm out of patience. Being a working mom is hard, and there are days like today that I wish I could just be there for you any time I needed to be. Like today when I wanted so badly to be able to attend the book fair with you Luca. And how it broke my heart when you asked why I wasn't at your Thanksgiving party. I would have loved nothing more. But it's in the moments where I feel most inadequate that you show me so much love. You make me feel special. You make me proud to be your mommy. So proud. And I love you both with all of my heart. I hope that you always remember the special times, and not the times mommy wasn't there. And I hope you know you are always on my mind. 

Fall is in the Air

My favorite season is here. I love fall. Even more after missing out on it for seven years. Nothing beats fall in southern Indiana. There is something so refreshing about the transition from long summer days to crisp fall weather. As we welcome all the goodness of the fall season, our family is growing into this new season in life. Life doesn't seem as overwhelming. We've got this family of four thing. Sure sleep is still hard to come by, and some days seem to go on forever with two kids that refuse to nap, and sometimes I am just down right exhausted. But we are happy. Life is good. Blessings are abundant. And we are moving forward in His grace. Learning together, growing. As parents, as spouses. This past weekend we had our family photos taken. As I browsed through the gorgeous shots taken by the talented Abra from Gift of Today Photography, I almost had to pinch myself. Is that really MY family? How did we get here? I thought back to how our family photos have changed over the last 9 years...from engagement photos to maternity photos. And here we are. Our beautiful family of four. Just for fun Santi and I took a picture together in front of The Bluebird. The exact spot our eyes first met after being set up by a coworker. My mind instantly went back to that night. I don't think we ever could have imagined that 11 years later we would be standing in that same spot. Married. Our two kids watching as we posed together for a photo. It's amazing to think back on our journey to get where we are today. Our family. The good. The bad. The ugly. We've been through it together. I can't wait to see what's next for us. Where life will take us.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

I have been struggling with blogging lately. Things are busy, as always, but life seems a little more relaxed these days. We are getting into a groove with this family of 4 thing. My hands are full most days, but so is my heart. We are blessed. Really, really blessed. I guess I feel like I haven't had anything to share, which isn't exactly true, but I guess I feel like our day to day life hasn't been worth blogging about. And now I feel wrong to say that. It's the daily life that I want to remember one day when I read back through this blog. All the challenges, and of course sweet moments, of parenting littles. I want to remember the exhaustion, the frustrations, the milestones, the challenges, the proud moments, and the moments where I just feel like I couldn't possibly love our children anymore. The funny things Luca says and does. Mila's cute little personality starting to develop. And me. On this continual journey of finding myself...or creating myself. Through these different stages of life I change. My desires change. My hopes and dreams change. I am 32. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a teacher. I am a child of God. And I am still me. And I am still figuring that out, which I am kind of excited about now. When you give your body up (literally) for 9 months of pregnancy, and then continue to do so for another year or more of nursing a baby...you kind of forget about you. While I am still in the thick of it, I can see me coming back a little. I love being a mom. I love nursing. I won't say I loved being pregnant but there was something to be said about the experience of carrying and then nursing my two beautiful children and I am extremely grateful that I was able to do so. I know many are not afforded that opportunity. I love my life right now. My days are hectic and exhausting but full of happiness. I wake up early, sometimes to Mila's cries (usually much earlier than I care to be awake) and sometimes to my alarm. And I will hit snooze. Again and again. I get myself ready for work, usually in the midst of getting vanilla milk for Luca, finding a cartoon, and keeping Mila entertained. I pump another bottle because I didn't pump enough at work the day before. I scramble around for kid clothes, lunches, shoes, and anything else I forgot to do the night before. I bribe Luca to get dressed for school, nurse and change Mila. I rush around frantically while always making sure I have enough time to make my iced coffee. This is crucial. Then it's off to school for me. When I arrive I greet my "big" kids. The ones that I call my kids even though they don't live with me. Only teachers will understand what it's like to feel like mom to strangers' kids. Sometimes I literally feel like I am mom to hundreds of children. Tying shoes, opening milks, offering hugs, drying tears, encouraging, listening, teaching...all day. Every day. Then my own children...the two that do live with me. And they all need me more than I could ever know. All day. All the time. And I love being there when they need me. All of them. I love teaching. In the good moments, the bad moments, the kids are driving me crazy is it a full moon?? moments, the hard moments, the real moments, the proud moments, and the heartbreaking moments. And I love being a mom for all the same reasons. After a full day of teaching. Running. I get to pick up my own kids. I try to enjoy some "me" time on my drive to get them. It's one last quiet moment before I jump into mom mode. They are excited to see me, and I feel at home when I see their smiling faces. All is right in my world. We go home and we are tired after full days. But we share our days and we try to share some moments of just being with each other. Then it's time to make dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner. A little more time of books, snuggles, games, walks, time together. Then it's time for bed for the littles. Once little eyes are closed I am off to the race again. Prepping for the next day. Lunches, bags, bottles, clothes, school papers. I might get a moment of time to sit and relax...maybe I work out. I should work out. Then it's time for bed. I may or may not sleep depending on how many times Mila needs mommy through the night. It's still rough. This sleep deprivation thing. But this too shall pass. It won't be like this for long I tell myself. By His grace (and lots and lots of coffee) I do this day in and day out. And I love it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I know one day it will all be different. It won't be so hectic. So exhausting. I will sleep again like a normal human. I will have quiet moments to myself. And then it will be too quiet. And I will miss this.