PGAL=Pregnant After a Loss
That is my unfortunate title. When I go to the doctor's office, there it is on my chart. Of course at the doctor's office they use the tag of "multiple losses" or "history of abortion". Why do they refer to it as "abortion" when I most certainly did not choose to abort my pregnancy? I hate that term. It has such a negative connotation. I much prefer pregnant after a loss. And it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Blessing because I know that had we not gone through the pain of pregnancy loss (not once, but twice) we may not fully appreciate the blessing and miracle that is now thriving in my body. Curse because I have lived nearly every day of this pregnancy imagining all that could go wrong. Constantly worried and fearful. Taking it "one day at a time" has been a challenge. And getting this far has required a lot of strength and faith. Not only on my part, but on Santi's part as well. He has been a pillar of strength for me, my rock, even though there have been many times in the past year that he must have thought I was downright crazy. I have fought off the fear of not wanting to tell anyone until it was too difficult to hide (never imagining the day I would actually have a baby bump). I have battled with the terrifying fear of buying maternity clothes and trying to squeeze into my regular clothes as long as possible in fear of having to return things (really optimistic, I know). Excited and terrified all at the same time to shop the baby sections...to (gulp) make purchases. But with each passing week I have managed to muster up enough faith to finally allow myself to be the smug pregnant woman I always wished I could be. And it feels good.
Today marks exactly one year since the day we found out not only that we were expecting twins, but that the pregnancy was not viable. This time last year we were heartbroken, devastated, and lost. I faced surgery the next day because my body didn't react as it should have. One year ago today we began a journey to parenthood unlike what we had ever imagined. But that journey has shaped us, our relationship, our faith, and will shape our parenting. And as difficult as it was, I am thankful for it.
This article expresses perfectly what it is like to be pregnant after a loss. I cried when I read it.
Why I Still Keep My Maternity Clothes
1 comment:
This is an emotional article- struggling through multiple losses and wondering if we would ever get there has been an all too common theme in our house in the past couple of years. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel less crazy for being simultaneously thrilled and terrified.
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