Leap of Faith

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

This blog was intended to be a way to share our journey together as husband and wife with those that love and support us. On the journey of life, there will always be ups and downs, and as husband and wife we have vowed to see one another through those ups and downs. This is one of those times. I am reminded in this moment of weakness of a song sung during the lighting of the unity candle at our wedding, "Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear, I will be here". I know we will pull through this together, and the sun will appear again.

On February 28th, we were pleasantly surprised with a pregnancy that we hadn't really planned for, but were absolutely thrilled about. We went through the whole, "Do we tell people, and when?". While Santi was excited and ready to tell the world, I felt anxious and uncertain. I had this instinct that maybe letting our little secret out wasn't the best idea just yet. We waited. We saw one doctor for the basic blood work. All was well, but we decided we weren't fond of that doctor and wanted to switch. We had an appointment with the new doctor during my 10th week. It was the earliest we could get in. On that day, we had planned to let our secret out after the doctor's appointment. I had felt it would be okay then.

During that appointment, we discovered two things about our surprise pregnancy:
1) It was twins

2) It was not a viable pregnancy, both twins had stopped developing at around 6 weeks

While we went through a range of emotions after receiving that devastating news, I felt as though I had known all along. It was instinct.

It didn't matter that we hadn't "planned" that pregnancy, we wanted those babies, they were our babies, and we were lost without them. I was instantly taken back to December, when we had taken a "leap of faith".
In December, we had the big "baby talk". While Santi was more than ready, I was hesitant. I wanted more money in savings, a better job for Santi, I wanted to be finished with my master's degree...the list goes on an on. But I felt God calling me to take a "leap of faith" and trust that He would provide for us and for a child if we would only trust Him with the timing of children. So, I agreed that we could "let things happen", but we weren't going to try to make anything happen. It was up to God.
Well, I took that leap of faith and it took me down a path I could have never imagined. All that worry about how we were going to afford a baby, daycare, finishing my master's, etc. disappeared. Instead, it was replaced with heartache and longing for a baby, and fear that we may never have children. I felt like the whole world was pregnant and everywhere I went there were babies. It was a constant reminder of what we had lost. For awhile, and sometimes still, I felt angry with God. It just didn't seem fair. One day towards the end of the school year, one of my kindergarten students came up to me in the morning and told me she had something for me. She of course knew nothing about what I had gone through. She handed me a little stuffed frog that she had obviously found somewhere around her house, and it said "leap of faith" on the front. It was like a reminder from God that He is in control, and that He is going to honor my leap of faith by being faithful in return and blessing us not only with a child, but with the financial peace to comfortably raise that child. I felt relieved. Tevez has since eaten that little stuffed frog (of course), but I will always remember that sign from God.

So here we are, still waiting for another opportunity to be blessed with a child, but not forgetting the angel babies we lost. While I have found a lot of comfort in an online support group for pregnancy loss, as well as through talking with friends and family members who have been through the same thing, it is still a struggle for both of us. Every day we must rely on strength from God and one another to get through this trying time, and I know the sun will shine again.

We debated for a long time about whether or not to share our loss with others. Of course our immediate family knew, and friends from Bible study, as well as colleagues out of necessity, but we weren't quite certain about sharing  the loss of a pregnancy with anyone else when we had not even shared our pregnancy news to begin with. To some miscarriage is a taboo subject. It's not something people talk about, despite the fact that many deal with the grief of pregnancy and infant loss.  After our loss, so many people I was close to, and even those I didn't know very well, came to me and shared their stories of loss. Although it was disheartening to know so many had suffered the same pain, it was also comforting to know they understood and were there to support us. I hope that maybe sharing our journey can help others better understand where we are coming from.
In my time with my online support group, I found a lot of things that have helped with the healing process, and some of these things explained my feelings better than anything I could have written myself, so I thought I would share them here as well.
The first is a poem that I really liked

Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

Some more things you should know about what I am going through:
1) It will take time to move on, it's not going to "all go away" in a few weeks or months
2) A new pregnancy will not help me forget
3) My life will never be the same, even after I have a healthy baby
4) My grieving over a life that was only known to me does not make me weak
5) It is really hard to hear about new pregnancies or healthy births of friends or family members. I usually feel jealous, hurt, and angry. I will tell you congratulations, and I mean it. I am truly happy for you, but I am not delighted to hear it at a time when I am dealing with my own loss. I sometimes avoid situations where I will be around pregnant friends or friends with babies, which is not always easy. This does not make me a bad person. I am human, and I am trying to move past these feelings and emotions with the grace of God. I am being totally honest here.
6) I am not upset that you are pregnant, I am upset that I am not. 
7) It doesn't matter how far along I was in my pregnancy, we bonded with the babies from the beginning, and our grief is no less than any other.

I know that now I have gotten all this off my chest, I can move forward with the healing process. For those who love us and actually read our blog, please know that we love you all and your support means so much to us. We are sharing this not in a search for sympathy, but to share a part of our lives that has affected us greatly. We will keep you posted on our journey to becoming parents, and hopefully our second chance will come quickly.

Update on my 101 in 1,001

 I have managed to cross a few more things off my list!

My 101 in 1,001: 101 things to tackle in 1,001 days
Start Date: April 24, 2010
End Date: January 19, 2013 (wow that seems like a long time from now!)

Personal Improvement:
Attend yoga at least once a week for two months
Attend kickboxing class at least once a week for two months
Try acupuncture
Not eat out for a month
Have a no tv/internet week
Participate in some type of run (5k, etc.)
Finish my Master's Degree (anticipated graduation date is October 13, 2010!)
Try a whole Zumba class at the gym
Do strength training exercises twice a week for a month (working on this)
Jog 3 miles again like I used to be able to do:)
Have a spa day
Get some new jewelry
Get an awesome pair of heels and actually wear them
Get a tan! (completed 7/10, I have been spending some time at the pool with my friend Audrey!)
Get teeth professionally whitened

Faith:
Finish reading the entire Bible
Consistently journal my Bible reading daily for at least one month
Share my faith with someone new
Complete a missions trip of some sort
Pray for others every day (work in progress)

Travel:
Visit San Diego (completed 6/10, our five year plan now includes moving here!)
Visit Tombstone
Go camping
Return to Ecuador
Go to the Galapagos
Go on a cruise
Drive route 1 in California (completed 6/10, only the southern portion, we will work on the northern portion!)
Stay at the Venetian in Vegas
Go to the Phoenix Zoo (and not just for Zoolights)
Go to Napa Valley
Stay somewhere new in Sedona
Visit Flagstaff in the winter

Adventures:
Hike Camelback mountain
Hike the Grand Canyon
Learn to play golf
Learn to play blackjack
Try 20 new recipes (8/20)
Learn to make a new mixed drink
Chop my hair off (Done! 5/28/10)
Read 10 new books (currently reading 1 of 10)
Try the night tour of the Desert Botanical Gardens
Try 5 new hiking trails in Phoenix
Find 10 new restaurants to try in Phoenix (3/10) 
1. Ta Carbon (super yummy Mexican hole-in-the-wall kind of place)
2. Joe's Farm Grill (another restaurant from Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives)
3. Over Easy (great little breakfast place, also from Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives)
Make ceviche again  Done 5/16/2010
Learn to bake and decorate a cake
Get a bike or rollerblades
Go horseback riding again
Go to a concert
Stay for both movies at the drive-in
Go swimming in Lake Pleasant
Find a place to go fishing in Phoenix
Drive across the border
Buy an expensive bottle of wine (more than $20)
Try 5 new sushi rolls (1/5)
1. Hawaiian roll
 
Family/Friends:
Have a baby
Have a girl's weekend with my college roommates (leaving on Thursday!)
Have a designated date night once a week for a month
Go on a picnic with my husband
Take my dog to the dog park in Gilbert with the lake (checked it out on 5/16/10, planning to take Tevez in a couple of weeks, it looks really cool!)
Get grandma and grandpa out here for a visit
Have a candlelight dinner with my husband once a week for a month
Take a dancing lesson with my husband
Take a mother/daughter trip
Host a wine and cheese party
Go to at least 5 sporting events with my husband
Get professional pictures taken of my husband and I

Financial:
Pay off the Nissan Altima
Get a minimum of $5,000 in the savings account
Reach a point financially where I can stay home or work from home
Stick with a budget for five full months
Not buy any new clothes for a month
Spend less than $300 on groceries in a month
Put $5 in the savings for each completed task and donate $5 for each incomplete task

Hobbies and Creativity:
Make Shutterfly albums with all of our pictures
Learn some type of new craft
Get a nicer camera and learn how to take great pictures
Update blog at least once a month (in progress)
Go to a pottery studio

Home:
Redecorate/repaint our bedroom
Buy a sectional sofa with a pullout couch for our guests
Finally clean and organize the office  (completed 5/1/10 thanks to my husband!)
Buy something from Etsy
Put grass in our backyard
Get some flower pots for the front yard
Have a shredding party and clean out the filing cabinet
Get a digital picture frame (done 7/10, love it!)
Make the bed every day for a week  (done 5/10)
Organize my favorite recipes
Keep up with cleaning for an entire week (done summer '10, does it count since I was on vacation?)
Bake something once a month for three months

Reaching Out:
Volunteer somewhere other than church
Leave a 50% tip for dinner
Give money to one of the homeless people by school
Actually meet and know both of our neighbors names
Lend someone a microloan
Send handwritten notes to each of our sponsor children in Ecuador
Pay for the person behind me in the drive through
Make a new friend
Buy a goat for someone in a poor country

Getting Green:
Use reusable shopping bags every shopping trip for a month
Try a new "green" method of cleaning
Eat fruit off the trees in our own backyard
Grow an indoor herb garden (done 6/10, unfortunately there is no good place to keep them and they died)
Learn to garden desert style and actually have a vegetable garden in our backyard

There you have it! If you are interested in starting your own list, here is a great website to get you going:
http://dayzeroproject.com/

And.......I'm bored.

Vacation has come and gone, just as vacations tend to do. We had a wonderful time (albeit very very sticky) in Indiana visiting with family. My parents even planned a big get-together lunch in North Vernon so I could see my extended family. It was a great surprise! California was totally awesome as usual. We spent a couple days hanging out with Santi's family in L.A. and then drove down to San Diego for a mini-vacation. It was nice to have that alone time, the weather was incredible, and southern California is just breath-taking. Santi and I agreed that moving there is definitely in our 5 year plan! Here are some pics of our fantastic trip, enjoy.

I have spent the last week cleaning and catching up on some household chores, but let me say the last couple of days have been so boring. Santi is working, which leaves me home with Tevez ALL DAY LONG. It is too hot to go outside and do anything, and I am trying to avoid retail therapy so that means I pretty much can't leave the house. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty I could be doing for grad school and my classroom, but no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to get motivated to tackle those things. I will have to suck it up and go into school a few days this week. I really want to get a head start so I don't feel so rushed the week before like always. The bad thing is, I really need to do my annual back to school shopping for my classroom, and that is usually pretty dangerous. At least tomorrow is the 4th of July and believe it or not Santi actually has the day off! I am looking forward to spending the day together and not being stuck in this house all day. We have church in the morning, then some yard work before it gets too hot (yesterday was almost a record breaker). Then, we are going to the grocery store to pick up some things to grill out. We are having a family from Bible study over to BBQ with us, then we are all going to the Goodyear Ballpark to watch some fireworks. It should be a good time!