Season of Rain

 I love this song by Josh Garrels, and since I couldn't find it to put into my playlist on here, I decided just to post the lyrics. It really suits this season in our lives.   

Season of Rain

Praise the Lord, when it’s all gone wrong

Everything fades but our love shines on

Praise the Lord, when your hope is gone

Everything fades but our love shines on

Like waves on the ocean singing old songs

Like waves on the ocean breaking beyond

So faint the impatient can’t hear

The sound of the one without years

The culmination of every child’s tears

Form tide breaking on the eternal lands

Time stands still

In the moment when we are healed

I questioned if this was real

But then I opened up my heart and I could feel

The feather of a bird in the wind

Fire in the brush if we only

Speak when we must

A hush of heart will become a good treausure

Kept in a place without systems of measure

But as real as an undying love

We will discern what comes from above

Compared to that which could never be sustained

The season of rain will bring labor pain

But its end will be the most wonderful

Joy, Oh Lord

Praise the Lord when it’s all gone wrong

Everything fades but our love shines on

Praise the Lord when your hope is gone

Everything fades but our love shines on

Like waves on the ocean singing old songs

Like waves on the ocean breaking beyond

Ch-ch-ch-changes

You know that song about changes right? Well...we have one big life change to announce. No, unfortunately we aren't expecting again....but Santi did get a new job!!! As of Monday morning, his new title will be personal banker at Chase. This isn't exactly the opportunity we had been imagining when he finished school and began his job search, but we have prayed and prayed about the "right" opportunity coming his way, and we believe that this is the opportunity God feels is right for him at this point. The pay will be about the same as Verizon, but the kicker is that he will have regular hours! This may not seem like a huge deal, but it is. It's is such an amazing blessing to know that he will now be working normal M-F hours with weekends off! Since we began dating over 6 years ago, one of us has always had an irregular schedule with weekend shifts. This will be the first time we will be on the same schedule, and we are so thrilled. I know he is anxious about starting something new after three years at Verizon, and we are hoping and praying that this new job renews his spirit. He has been so exhausted with retail hours and stress for the last couple of years, and why we are very thankful for the wonderful opportunities he had at Verizon, especially with them paying for his school, we are looking forward to what this new job may bring.

What Not to Say...

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. "

Journey to Healing

As I work through my feelings of grief and loss, I am always looking for words of encouragement.
This poem was really uplifting for me shortly after our first loss, and I am reminded of it again today.

Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

This is a difficult journey, and the healing process will take a lifetime. We will always miss our angel babies, and we will always grieve their loss.

Up and Down

Up and down. On a roller-coaster ride I would like to get off. This whole trying to have a baby thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I wish I could go back to being naive. Miscarriage takes that all away. Forever more my experiences with pregnancy will be more fear filled than joy filled. Friday the 13th proved to be all it's cracked up to be. We got another positive test. We were ecstatic. Only to be crushed yet again 5 days later. Another loss. Up...and down. The emotional ride this journey has taken us on is difficult to say the least. The only "positive" thing I can take from this experience is the fact that it has helped me to let go of my constant need to control all aspects of my life. I can't control this. This is truly, 100% in God's hands. I am okay with that, but I would like off of this ride now.

Over the next few weeks I will have testing done to see what is going on with my body. Why we can conceive fairly easily, but can't seem to get past that. I don't know what we will find out, if anything, but I can only hope and pray that it is something that can be corrected quickly and easily. Only time will tell...

In the meantime, I am left battling bitter feelings. I don't want this to make me bitter, I want it to make me better. But that's easier said than done. And no one gets it. No one gets that I don't want to talk about/hear about pregnancy and babies. I am not being ridiculous or selfish. Right now being around all things baby and pregnancy related feels like someone is pouring salt into my open wound. So, when I don't respond joyfully to an invite to a baby shower, or the announcement of another pregnancy, don't judge. I will heal and get past this, but for now these are my feelings and emotions. They are real, and they are justified.