Shortly after our second wedding anniversary, the baby talk began. I was not quite ready for that big step, but Santi was. I wanted to finish my Master's degree, travel more, do more things to the house, have more money in savings, etc. Despite his nudging, I managed to put it off about 6 more months until 2010 rolled around. When the new year hit, I only had about 8 months left of graduate school, we had just returned from our trip to Ecuador, our house was just about "finished", and I came to the conclusion that we will never have "enough" money for a baby. I had run out of excuses. We decided, "What the heck?" and the birth control went out the window. Well, technically, God gave us a gentle shove when I left my birth control pills in Phoenix on accident when I went to Indiana for my brother's wedding. Although we hadn't officially made the decision to have a baby, I felt God calling me to trust Him in this situation, and I felt that He was telling me it was time...he would take care of the rest. I had been praying about the decision to bring a baby into our lives, and I was so full of fear and anxiety about money, child care, how it would change our lives, would we be good parents, etc. I felt a strange sense of peace about it when I returned from Indiana and I threw out what was left of my birth control pills.
We weren't "trying" and decided to just see what happens. Well, barely a month later I was convinced I was late because my cycles were messed up from going off the pill. I refused to believe I could possibly be pregnant already. Santi was the one who brought home the pregnancy test and convinced me to take it. Sure enough, it popped up "pregnant" right away. We were shocked, and elated. It was very surreal. Even though I was excited, I was feeling very anxious. From the beginning, something just didn't feel right, and I kept telling Santi that I was worried something was wrong. He dismissed my concerns as normal, and assured me everything would be fine, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that this pregnancy wasn't going to result in a baby coming home with us in 9 months. After a terrible first doctor's appointment that didn't really tell us anything, I searched for a different doctor, and came across Dr. Jaacks. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant before I got in to see her. I woke up that morning with this terrible sense of doom...not how you should feel the day you get to go see your first baby on ultrasound. Sure enough, the feelings I had from the very beginning were more than just feelings. As soon as she turned on the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. She wasn't really saying anything, and I couldn't see any heartbeat on the monitor. Not only was there one baby without a beating heart, there were two. Twins. We were both shocked...and devastated. We lost not one, but two babies that day in April of 2010.
Life after the loss was difficult. I had a very hard time with it, and I know Santi did as well, but neither one of us were very good at talking about it. We struggled silently for awhile. Thankfully, I made some wonderful friends in an online support group on The Bump that had been through the same thing. They were my saving grace. Unfortunately I also had some other friends in real life that suffered a loss as well, and talking about it to others who had been through it was my only way to healing. Eventually, I was able to talk to Santi about it as well, but we dealt with it in very different ways. The experience I feel was very different for me because I was the one who had been pregnant...who had carried them, even if it was only for 10 weeks. In the months ahead we tried to stay busy with work, traveling, and eventually trying for another baby. But it was different this time. I was full of fear. My pain and fear consumed me. We got pregnant again that August, just about 4 months after the first loss, but eventually that pregnancy also ended in an early miscarriage. It was at that point I really reached rock bottom. I couldn't stand to be around anyone that was pregnant, and I couldn't handle being around babies. I thought we would never have a baby of our own. I went from worrying about how to pay for child care, to just begging God for a baby. It was also at that time that God really wrapped His arms around me and provided all the faith and strength I couldn't muster myself. During these painful months of loss, I had several signs from God that everything was going to be okay, and we would have our take home baby if we just trusted in Him and His timing. One morning, one of my students came up to me in the morning and said she had a gift for me. This was not unusual, my students often brought in little things they made or flowers they picked. Obviously my students did not know about my losses, so this was just an ordinary gift...or so I thought. She handed me a little frog that said "Leap of Faith". I was stunned when I saw it, because I was instantly reminded of my prayers before we decided to try for a baby. I had repeatedly used the words "leap of faith" in asking God to help me make the decision to have a baby. I felt like it was a sign that He was reminding me that I had taken a leap of faith and he would reward me with a beautiful baby...on His time. This was just part of the journey He had planned for me. In addition to the random gift from my students, I also started seeing two, sometimes three dragonflies around the playground at school, following alongside my car...and we live in the desert. I had never seen before, nor have I seen since, any dragonflies in Phoenix. Ever. In my heart I believe they were symbols of the three babies we lost. They were just too beautiful for earth.
Finally, on October 30, 2010, we had our third positive pregnancy test. Despite my justified fear and anxiety, I had a feeling deep down that this pregnancy was going to be okay. At that point, my amazing doctor had run some tests and we were taking precautionary measures to prevent another loss. Being pregnant after losses was a very different experience, and all the naivety of being a first time mom was lost. Although physically my pregnancy was very easy, it was a challenge mentally. I relied on prayer and faith to keep my sanity. It was so difficult worrying every day whether or not this baby would come home with us. Every twinge, every weird feeling...I was a basket case. Then, later in the pregnancy I worried about lack of movement, low fluids, preterm labor...you name it I worried about it. Thankfully all my worry was for nothing. God was faithful and on July 5, 2011 Luca Alberto Sotomayor made his grand entrance into the world. We were beyond elated, and this little boy is such a precious miracle. I would walk that path over and over again knowing it would lead me to him. We are so in love with Luca, and looking forward to this new and exciting phase in our lives.
