Dear Luca and Mila...

I should be sleeping now, I don't get much of it these days between colds and teething. But I'm happy to get up time and time again, as hard as it may be. As much as it wears me down. I know I'm needed. And I'm thankful to have you both. My reason for everything I do. Sometimes the exhaustion gets the best of me. I'm worn out. I'm out of patience. Being a working mom is hard, and there are days like today that I wish I could just be there for you any time I needed to be. Like today when I wanted so badly to be able to attend the book fair with you Luca. And how it broke my heart when you asked why I wasn't at your Thanksgiving party. I would have loved nothing more. But it's in the moments where I feel most inadequate that you show me so much love. You make me feel special. You make me proud to be your mommy. So proud. And I love you both with all of my heart. I hope that you always remember the special times, and not the times mommy wasn't there. And I hope you know you are always on my mind. 

Fall is in the Air

My favorite season is here. I love fall. Even more after missing out on it for seven years. Nothing beats fall in southern Indiana. There is something so refreshing about the transition from long summer days to crisp fall weather. As we welcome all the goodness of the fall season, our family is growing into this new season in life. Life doesn't seem as overwhelming. We've got this family of four thing. Sure sleep is still hard to come by, and some days seem to go on forever with two kids that refuse to nap, and sometimes I am just down right exhausted. But we are happy. Life is good. Blessings are abundant. And we are moving forward in His grace. Learning together, growing. As parents, as spouses. This past weekend we had our family photos taken. As I browsed through the gorgeous shots taken by the talented Abra from Gift of Today Photography, I almost had to pinch myself. Is that really MY family? How did we get here? I thought back to how our family photos have changed over the last 9 years...from engagement photos to maternity photos. And here we are. Our beautiful family of four. Just for fun Santi and I took a picture together in front of The Bluebird. The exact spot our eyes first met after being set up by a coworker. My mind instantly went back to that night. I don't think we ever could have imagined that 11 years later we would be standing in that same spot. Married. Our two kids watching as we posed together for a photo. It's amazing to think back on our journey to get where we are today. Our family. The good. The bad. The ugly. We've been through it together. I can't wait to see what's next for us. Where life will take us.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

I have been struggling with blogging lately. Things are busy, as always, but life seems a little more relaxed these days. We are getting into a groove with this family of 4 thing. My hands are full most days, but so is my heart. We are blessed. Really, really blessed. I guess I feel like I haven't had anything to share, which isn't exactly true, but I guess I feel like our day to day life hasn't been worth blogging about. And now I feel wrong to say that. It's the daily life that I want to remember one day when I read back through this blog. All the challenges, and of course sweet moments, of parenting littles. I want to remember the exhaustion, the frustrations, the milestones, the challenges, the proud moments, and the moments where I just feel like I couldn't possibly love our children anymore. The funny things Luca says and does. Mila's cute little personality starting to develop. And me. On this continual journey of finding myself...or creating myself. Through these different stages of life I change. My desires change. My hopes and dreams change. I am 32. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a teacher. I am a child of God. And I am still me. And I am still figuring that out, which I am kind of excited about now. When you give your body up (literally) for 9 months of pregnancy, and then continue to do so for another year or more of nursing a baby...you kind of forget about you. While I am still in the thick of it, I can see me coming back a little. I love being a mom. I love nursing. I won't say I loved being pregnant but there was something to be said about the experience of carrying and then nursing my two beautiful children and I am extremely grateful that I was able to do so. I know many are not afforded that opportunity. I love my life right now. My days are hectic and exhausting but full of happiness. I wake up early, sometimes to Mila's cries (usually much earlier than I care to be awake) and sometimes to my alarm. And I will hit snooze. Again and again. I get myself ready for work, usually in the midst of getting vanilla milk for Luca, finding a cartoon, and keeping Mila entertained. I pump another bottle because I didn't pump enough at work the day before. I scramble around for kid clothes, lunches, shoes, and anything else I forgot to do the night before. I bribe Luca to get dressed for school, nurse and change Mila. I rush around frantically while always making sure I have enough time to make my iced coffee. This is crucial. Then it's off to school for me. When I arrive I greet my "big" kids. The ones that I call my kids even though they don't live with me. Only teachers will understand what it's like to feel like mom to strangers' kids. Sometimes I literally feel like I am mom to hundreds of children. Tying shoes, opening milks, offering hugs, drying tears, encouraging, listening, teaching...all day. Every day. Then my own children...the two that do live with me. And they all need me more than I could ever know. All day. All the time. And I love being there when they need me. All of them. I love teaching. In the good moments, the bad moments, the kids are driving me crazy is it a full moon?? moments, the hard moments, the real moments, the proud moments, and the heartbreaking moments. And I love being a mom for all the same reasons. After a full day of teaching. Running. I get to pick up my own kids. I try to enjoy some "me" time on my drive to get them. It's one last quiet moment before I jump into mom mode. They are excited to see me, and I feel at home when I see their smiling faces. All is right in my world. We go home and we are tired after full days. But we share our days and we try to share some moments of just being with each other. Then it's time to make dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner. A little more time of books, snuggles, games, walks, time together. Then it's time for bed for the littles. Once little eyes are closed I am off to the race again. Prepping for the next day. Lunches, bags, bottles, clothes, school papers. I might get a moment of time to sit and relax...maybe I work out. I should work out. Then it's time for bed. I may or may not sleep depending on how many times Mila needs mommy through the night. It's still rough. This sleep deprivation thing. But this too shall pass. It won't be like this for long I tell myself. By His grace (and lots and lots of coffee) I do this day in and day out. And I love it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I know one day it will all be different. It won't be so hectic. So exhausting. I will sleep again like a normal human. I will have quiet moments to myself. And then it will be too quiet. And I will miss this.

6 Months and 4 Years

I can't believe Ms. Mila has been in our lives for 6 months already. She turned 6 months old the day after we celebrated Luca turning 4. Yeah, that's right, he is FOUR. I can't even consider him a toddler anymore. He is in the pre-K room at church now. Granted he has been in some form of preschool since he was one, it still seems crazy. This is his last year as a preschool kid. I am really enjoying this new stage of parenting a big boy...but it's not without new challenges, that's for sure! He is still crazy about sports. He is always busy. He is also still a fan of dressing up (fireman, superhero, policeman) and has a big imagination. He is so observant and takes in every detail. His dress up costumes have to be exact...down to the smoke mask on the fireman. And he has to chew gum and spit when he plays baseball. Hah. And he never stops talking. And Mila. Wow. These baby days are so fleeting with a second baby! As I type this she is just waking up from a nap in the Ergo. I love wearing her. I wish I would have given it more time with Luca. But then again the two of them have different personalities. Luca never liked being contained in any fashion, and he still doesn't. Mila is perfectly content snuggled up on my chest while I get on with the day cleaning, cooking, and entertaining Luca. And I love always having her right there, talking to her as I go about my chores. We listen to music and she is just calm and happy. So sweet this girl of ours. This is the time of our lives. I love our little family!

No Filter

Life can get tricky. Especially when you pile a bunch of major life changes on top of each other. The dust has settled and we are now tasked with figuring out what's next for our family. We are now a family of 4. We have adjusted to our big move for the most part. We are settled into our new jobs. We are comfortable in our new house and it's starting to feel like home. We are working through a new routine with a baby in the mix and Luca being involved in different activities. We are also trying to wade through the perils of parenting an almost 4 year old. We are trying to evolve our parenting style to fit his needs as he begins to test the waters and gain more independence. Parenting a preschooler is much harder than parenting a toddler or baby! It's so hard to figure out how to discipline effectively while at the same time protecting his heart and teaching him the important lessons he needs to learn in order to be successful in life. I want to make sure that he is able to handle any situation that may arise with confidence when we are not around to guide him. Sportsmanship, friendships, determination, grace, hard work, perseverance, commitment, understanding, and respect. It is HARD!
Life is hard. Being a parent is hard. Being a spouse is hard. Getting older is hard. I know in my mind "this too shall pass" and sooner rather than later my children will be grown up. And I'm not ready for that. At all. I want to savor every moment of their childhood. I want to fill out days with special memories. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. And sometimes it's just downright exhausting. And sometimes I just want a moment to myself. I want to sleep more than a few hours at a time. I want to be able to talk to my husband without being interrupted 7,467 times. Sometimes you just have to be real about life. 

Dear Luca

Hi Mr. Luca,
Am I really planning your 4th birthday party? Where has the time gone? You are definitely not a baby anymore, but you will always be MY baby. You are finishing up your spring soccer team, which was kind of a bust. You weren't as into soccer this spring, so I am wondering what you might be interested in next. Transformer Rescuebots have been a hit lately, and you love ordering them when you earn your ten stars on your good behavior chart. I am really excited about spending the summer with you and Mila. Last summer was a little crazy and I didn't get to enjoy it with you like I would have liked. This summer I will be showing you all of my favorite things about Indiana in the summer. Fishing, slip and slide, splash pad, parks, picnics, fireworks, camp outs, fireflies, creeks...the list goes on and on! I have been feeling guilty since your sister came along, and I know it's been hard for you to share the attention. I do miss our one on one times, and I have some special times planned for us this summer...just you and me! I can't wait to celebrate your 4th birthday as well! I love you buddy!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Mila

Dear Ms. Mila,
You are 4 months old already...SLOW DOWN! I am terrified to blink or I will miss your baby days. Seriously. Stop growing so fast. They weren't kidding when they told me this all goes a lot faster with the second child. Sometimes I feel guilty because you are the second child and I can't give you what I gave Luca. Undivided attention, limitless snuggles, time to just sit and soak up your gummy baby smiles. Other times I think being the second child will be to your advantage. It will make you a more independent and resilient little girl. I am so thankful that you are so easy going. You are perfectly content anywhere. You love laying on your play mat, swinging in the swing, or riding along in the Ergo while I get things done or chase after your brother. You are always laughing or smiling, and lately you have started squealing and "screaming". I guess you just want to make sure you are heard over your brother! I am really looking forward to this summer as you begin to sit up and enjoy a better view of the world around you, and maybe start scooting by the end of summer! I love you so much Mila Paz, you are a beautiful baby.

Love,
Mommy

Spring is in the air!

FINALLY spring has arrived here in southern Indiana, and I am once again in love with our Hoosier home! After more than 2 months of being trapped in the house (with a newborn and three year old) I was starting to wonder what we were thinking moving back. I had to see constant posts from my dear Arizona friends of their beautiful sunny winter days and I couldn't help but feel jealous. And sad. I do miss it terribly at times, but spring has reminded me of what I always missed about Indiana when we were living in the desert. Everything is blooming and it's beautiful! The grass is so green, flowers are blooming, the trees are full of buds. We have also had several thunderstorms which I love. There is nothing better than the sound of thunder rolling and rain on the roof. And the smell of rain. And open windows with birds chirping. And fresh cut grass. We are loving our yard, and we are in the process of fixing our deck and planting some more flowers. My dad also built us an incredible table for the back. I am so excited for our first real cookout. I am also really enjoying our neighborhood. It is perfect for walking and bike riding, and we can literally see the Clear Creek Trail from our front porch. And the sunset. It's beautiful. I can't wait to plop myself in a chair on the front porch this summer with a glass of wine and watch the sun set. I also can't wait to find some time to lace up my running shoes and head over to the trail with my favorite running buddy. It's been a long time coming. I am so ready to get back into shape. I NEED to run! I am also looking forward to spending many sunny days outside with my two sweet children this summer. We have a lot of exploring to do in our new home! Last summer I worked summer camp and was frantically searching for a job, all while pregnant, so I feel like we missed out on the best of summer. Not this year. We are going to make it a summer to remember!

The New Normal

Tomorrow I head back to work after 8 short weeks at home with my two little people. That's half the amount of time I had off with Luca. While I have been dreading having to go back so soon, I am thankful for the time I was able to be home, and that I am entrusting my babies to Abuelita rather than having to send them off to daycare all day. Even though Luca had some wonderful daycare providers in Arizona that were like family to us, I know that having family that is willing and able to care for our children is priceless. And Luca and Mila will create many special memories with their grandparents before they head to school. This makes the move worth it, as hard as it has been. Sometimes I am amazed that we survived the last year. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that this time last year we had JUST put our house in Arizona on the market. We had no idea how things were going to work out, and we also had no idea that we would be adding a new member to our family in the midst of it all. But somehow we did it. Was it easy? Absolutely not. But it grew our faith and strengthened our family. And we are still adjusting to all of the changes. We still miss Arizona. We are still getting used to having our families around, which is wonderful and sometimes challenging all the same. We spent our entire married life thousands of miles away from both of our parents. It forced us to really rely on each other, and we had the opportunity to figure out married life and parenthood on our own. While we love being able to see both of our families on a regular basis, and Luca loves having his cousins around, it can be challenging to suddenly have so many opinions and input on the way you raise your children and the way you run your household. I am still very much learning how to accept advice and criticisms and not taking it personally. I am also learning how to juggle life with two kids. The true test starts tomorrow when I put on my working mom hat again. I am ready to establish our new routine, and to work on finding a new balance for our family with two kids and two working parents. I am trying to be intentional every day, and keep my eyes focused on what is most important. And that is my relationship with God and the love and grace I show to my family and others each and every day. I am trying to keep the stress and busyness of life at bay so that I can enjoy the fullness of our blessings. I will admit that the last 8 weeks haven't been easy. There were many days that I felt as though I failed miserably at this mom of two gig. Many days that the sleep deprivation took over and I lacked grace or neglected love. Being trapped indoors due to winter weather and cold and flu season made some days seem impossibly long. I know there were many times I could have been more intentional. More loving. But His mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow starts a new normal for our family, and I intend to live intentionally focused on Him and on my family.

Dear Luca

Dear Mr. Luca,
Tomorrow I will head back to work after being home with you and your baby sister for the last 8 weeks. I know you have enjoyed being home with us, and we have had a lot of fun together. I will really miss being with you all day, but I know summer is just around the corner and we are going to make it count! I know how much you have been missing the warm weather and being able to get outside and play. Almost daily you ask if it's warm enough to wear "cut shirts" yet. It's been an adjustment for you not only having a new baby sister that dictates a lot of our days, but also winter weather that keeps us indoors much more than we would like. Trust me, I am itching to get out too! Every day I look at you and I just can't believe how old you look now. I also can't believe you will be 4 this summer. We just registered you for your 4 year old class at preschool, and you were really excited to see that they had Power Rangers. Now you ask at preschool drop off every day if you get to go to your new class yet. You are all about super heroes and transformers lately. We just watched Big Hero 6 at least 5 times last weekend. You seem to have taken a break from sports, but I know that you will be thrilled to start soccer this spring. You also started swimming lessons last week, and you said it was your "super sport". You have been an amazing big brother to Mila, and I know it hasn't always been easy to share the attention. I am so impressed with how well you have adjusted to having a little sister. And it melts my heart to see how much you love her. You said she is the cutest baby in the world. You are always giving her kisses and bringing her toys. You also love showing her your monster trucks. And you always want to snuggle with her...sometimes a little too much. I know you are going to love it when she is bigger and able to play more. I am so proud of the little person you are becoming, and I am blessed to be your mom. I love you Luca Alberto!!!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Mila

Dear Ms. Mila,
My sweet baby girl. I cannot believe on Friday you will be 2 months old. These 2 months have been a blur. Since we survived those first few rocky weeks of sleep deprivation, it feels like we are really getting in the swing of things. You really had your days and nights mixed up for awhile, which was pretty rough with an older brother that doesn't nap anymore and needs mommy all day. But we made it, and you are starting to figure out this whole sleep at night thing. Maybe soon you will give me some longer stretches of sleep. You have started smiling quite a bit lately, and are most happy in the morning. But you can also be kind of dramatic when you are unhappy. You have the biggest, brightest eyes and the most precious little face. When you are awake you are always interested in what's going on around you, and you love to observe and take in the world around you. You think your older brother is pretty silly, and so far you have survived him. One day I know you will be able to defend yourself, and he's going to be in trouble. You are going to be a tough little girl! Even though he can be a little to rough, it's all out of love. And man he loves his little sister. I am so thankful you will always have Luca to watch out for you. You love to lay on your play mat, especially when Luca brings you toys. You have actually rolled over from your belly to your back a handful of times already! You also love your baths. I am looking forward to seeing how your personality develops over the months ahead. I can't wait for that first giggle, and I know it's just around the corner! Tomorrow I head back to work, and I will miss you dearly. I am looking forward to summer just a few months away!!!!

Love,
Mommy

Arizona on My Mind

Somehow it has been 8 months since we left our Arizona home. I cannot believe we have been away that long. Luca has been requesting his "Goodnight Arizona" book regularly lately, and he still talks about Arizona all the time. He also asks when we can go back. That tugs at my heart a little. I hope that he is able to retain those special memories of Arizona, but I know that he was still so young when we left. I was just thinking about Arizona the other day as we watched the footage of the Super Bowl in Phoenix. It's a weird position to be in, having two places that I consider "home". I was born and raised in Southern Indiana...this will always be home. But we began our married/adult life in Arizona, and in the 7 years we lived there we made so many memories. It feels like home too. And no matter where we live, we will always be missing something, and that's hard sometimes. When we were there we desperately missed family, but being here we miss our desert life style and all the memories we left behind there. I think not knowing when we will be able to afford to go back and visit also makes it difficult. I think about our first home that we left behind on Desert Bloom St. and all the special moments that happened within those stucco walls, and it's hard not to be sentimental. It's also strange to know that Mila will never know Arizona aside from pictures or future visits. However I will never forget that we learned of our pregnancy with Mila in that teal bathroom in our little desert home, just like we did with Luca's. She is our last little memory that we took from Arizona, and I can't wait to teach her all about it one day.

Settling In

It's been 4 weeks since Ms. Mila entered our lives. I cannot believe how fast the time is flying by! The first three weeks were mostly a breeze. Santi was home with us 2 weeks more than we had planned on after accepting a new job (YAY...more on that later). It was so wonderful having him at home to help out. He was able to take care of Luca and keep him entertained with outings and of course sports while I took care of Mila and tried to rest as much as possible with a newborn. Last week he started training for his new job, which unfortunately was out of town, and he had an additional week of training out of town this week. Mila has also been more awake and alert, and life is starting to become more like what I pictured life with two little people would be...chaotic, joyful, exhausting, challenging, overwhelming, and amazing all at the same time. I am trying to enjoy my maternity leave and the extra time with Mr. Luca, but these last two weeks have admittedly been a challenge since Santi was away and my in-laws are out of the country. It's definitely hard being up all night with a newborn and then having to entertain a three year old (while also still caring for a sometimes fussy newborn) all day with no relief in the evenings. Thankfully my mom stepped in to help out a couple of days, which was a lifesaver! I just keep reminding myself that this season will pass so quickly. My days of no showers, spit up covered clothing, messy hair, and sweatpants are temporary...just like those sweet sleepy newborn smiles, milk drunk faces, and tiny frog legs. I remember this season with Luca, and how much I struggled through the early weeks as I adjusted to our new normal and life with a baby. It was difficult adjusting to my new role as a mother and in some respects mourning the loss of the life we led before parenthood. I remember how overcome with love I was with Luca, while at the same time feeling a bit lost because my life had changed so much. This time around, Mila has brought big changes to our lives in much the same way Luca did, but as an experienced mom, I know that we will soon get in the groove of this new life, and having her in it brings us so much joy and fulfillment. I can already see how much Luca loves his sister, and his sweet endearing words of "she is the cutest baby in the world" just melt my heart. While I look forward to seeing them interact more, and their relationship bloom as she grows older, I am not about to rush this time. I know it will pass to fast.
Now that Mila is here, I finally feel like we are ready to find some "normal" in our lives after all of the changes we have had lately. If you would have told me last February that in just 365 days we would be living in Bloomington with new jobs, a new house, AND a new baby...I would have said you were crazy. Life is crazy. Sometimes I wonder what God is thinking when he throws these things at us, but I know from experience that He always has a plan and a purpose. I never want to get comfortable where we are. I always want to be moving forward in faith and discovering who we are and God's plan for our lives. I know now that our focus for now is on loving our family of four, raising our children, and growing closer to Him as we work on our finances and pray about opportunities for us in the future to possibly grow our family through adoption or foster care.
We are thankful that God has provided a new job for Santi as assistant manager at Old National Bank, and we look forward to seeing how God moves through this new position and how it strengthens our family as it allows for him to be home earlier and more often, and a regular non-commission based paycheck. This is such a blessing.

Ms. Mila Paz is Here!

Okay, so she technically arrived a week ago, but things are just now settling down enough for me to post something! Ms. Mila Paz arrived at 1:06am on 1/6/15. The labor and delivery went perfectly, and I am so thankful that she arrived a healthy 7lbs 2oz and 18in at 38 weeks, 6 days. I actually went back to work the first day after winter break, fully expecting (and dreading) another full week of work. I worked all day and felt fine, and thankfully it was an easy day since we were transitioning into a new schedule. I had a doctor's appointment after work at 4:15. Dr. Weiler decided to strip my membranes to see if that would get things going since I was already at 3cm. I left the doctor's office, picked up Luca, and headed home to get dinner ready. Of course the night before I had prepped a ton of food for lunches and dinners for the week thinking I would be too tired to cook anything. I sat on the couch with Luca for a few minutes and we watched some monster truck videos, then I decided I had better get up and get dinner together before Santi got home from the gym. As I was chopping tomatoes, I started to feel some back pain, and not even 10 minutes later the back pain turned into the all familiar contraction...funny how quickly that feeling comes back to you, even after three and a half years. I didn't think much of it at first because I had mild contractions with Luca for a good 12 hours before I was actually admitted to the hospital. Well...this was a different story. Those mild contractions quickly got stronger and closer together, and I decided to start timing them on my contraction app. Sure enough they were the real deal. I sent Santi a message and told him he better cut his workout short. He rushed home, and we decided to call his parents (this is when living down the street from the in-laws is really beneficial) to come get Luca. I felt bad because things happened so quickly I didn't feel like I had enough time to prepare Luca (even though we had spent months reading books, talking about being a big brother, etc.). I gave him a quick kiss and hug and tried not to get super emotional about leaving him. That didn't work. We headed to the hospital in a winter weather advisory. I had to laugh at us following the snow plows...Luca was born in the middle of a major dust storm. And there was a 100 degree temperature difference. I wonder if their personalities will be as different as their births. We arrived at the hospital and got checked in (which seemed like it took forever). That was around 9:30pm. By 12:00am I was 8-9cm and begging for an epidural and of course the anesthesiologist was in a surgery. He made it just in time...I almost had a natural delivery...unplanned. I actually debated it for a brief moment, but things were happening so fast and there was no break in those contractions. By 1:00am I was ready to push, and out she popped in just 3 pushes. EASY. My labor from start to finish was only about 6 hours. Luca's was over 24 hours. I'll take it! The doctor called her Speedy Gonzales, and the post partum nurse said "oh, you could have 4 more kids, you are good at this!"...I am flattered, but we are pretty certain our family is complete (at least biologically). Since we arrived home with Ms. Mila P a week ago, things have been exhausting...but there is so much joy in the midst of the sleep deprivation. Having two kids is amazing. And since motherhood is not new to me, and I am much more relaxed about having a newborn, I am really enjoying these early days. It hasn't been all easy though. Luca has had his moments of jealousy, and being stuck inside due to freezing cold weather doesn't help. He has been so wound up and with Santi and I going on no sleep it's a real challenge keeping up with him. I am getting really anxious for spring when we can bust out of the house! In addition to the challenges of having a newborn AND a three year old, I also am dealing with post partum hypertension. Never in my life did I imagine that would happen. Luckily I feel okay, but I have to admit it's stirring up some anxiety in me...on top of new mommy hormonal changes. I am being monitored once a week until it goes back down, which hopefully will be soon, but it could take up to 6 weeks. There is a new level of anxiety about my own health and well being now that I have two children that need me. I know I need to focus my heart and mind on Him and His grace, and trust that He will see me through. One day at a time as we navigate this new stage in life. We are beyond blessed. God is good, and His mercies are new every morning.