Up and Down

Up and down. On a roller-coaster ride I would like to get off. This whole trying to have a baby thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I wish I could go back to being naive. Miscarriage takes that all away. Forever more my experiences with pregnancy will be more fear filled than joy filled. Friday the 13th proved to be all it's cracked up to be. We got another positive test. We were ecstatic. Only to be crushed yet again 5 days later. Another loss. Up...and down. The emotional ride this journey has taken us on is difficult to say the least. The only "positive" thing I can take from this experience is the fact that it has helped me to let go of my constant need to control all aspects of my life. I can't control this. This is truly, 100% in God's hands. I am okay with that, but I would like off of this ride now.

Over the next few weeks I will have testing done to see what is going on with my body. Why we can conceive fairly easily, but can't seem to get past that. I don't know what we will find out, if anything, but I can only hope and pray that it is something that can be corrected quickly and easily. Only time will tell...

In the meantime, I am left battling bitter feelings. I don't want this to make me bitter, I want it to make me better. But that's easier said than done. And no one gets it. No one gets that I don't want to talk about/hear about pregnancy and babies. I am not being ridiculous or selfish. Right now being around all things baby and pregnancy related feels like someone is pouring salt into my open wound. So, when I don't respond joyfully to an invite to a baby shower, or the announcement of another pregnancy, don't judge. I will heal and get past this, but for now these are my feelings and emotions. They are real, and they are justified.